Dad Jokes About Animals
Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he’s always spotted.
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.
Q: How do moths swim?
A: Using the butterfly stroke.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: 10 tickles.
Q: Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road?
A: Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk!
Q: Where do baby cats learn to swim?
A: The kitty pool.
Q: Why are spiders so smart?
A: They can find everything on the web.
Q: How can a leopard change his spots?
A: By moving.
Q: What did the duck say when it bought chapstick?
A: “Put it on my bill!”
Q: What does a cow use to do math?
A: A cow-culator.
Q: What would bears be without the letter B?
A: Ears.
Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course! Buildings can’t jump.
Q: What did the alpaca say to his date?
A: “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
Q: Why are snails bad at racing?
A: They’re sluggish.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the White House?
A: Lost.
Q: What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey?
A: A pouch potato.
Q: How does a boar sign its name?
A: With a pig pen.
Q: Why should you never trust a carp’s excuse?
A:` They always seem a little fishy.
Dad Jokes About Science
Q: Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity?
A: It’s impossible to put down.
Q: Which is faster, hot or cold?
A: Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Q: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!
Q: What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag?
A: “No thanks, I’m traveling light!”
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet.
Q: Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
A: It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
A: Nothing, they just waved.
Q: Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano?
A: It’s just so lava-ble.
Q: What kind of music do the planets listen to?
A: Nep-tunes!
Q: What did the big flower say to the tiny flower?
A: “Hey there bud!”
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
Q: What did Mars ask Saturn?
A: “Hey, can you give me a ring some time?”
Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.
Q: What do clouds do when they become rich?
A: They make it rain!
Q: Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist?
A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.
Q: Want to hear a potassium joke?
A: K.
Q: Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
Q: What’s the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down his genes!
Q: How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out?
A: OK.
Q: What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up?
A: Alloys.
Dad Jokes About Technology
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data.
Q: Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord?
A: He thought he could socket to him.
Q: Why did the computer have no money left?
A: Someone cleaned out its cache!
Q: What’s a computer’s favorite snack?
A: Microchips!
Q: Why was the robot so tired after his road trip?
A: He had a hard drive.
Q: What do you call monkeys with a shared Amazon account?
A: Prime mates.
Q: Why should you never use “beef stew” as a password?
A: It’s not stroganoff.
Q: What do you call your grandma’s number on speed dial?
A: Instagram.
Q: What’s another name for an iPhone power cord?
A: Apple juice.
Q: What do you call a video game rematch?
A: A Wii-match.
Q: What do you call a TV vaccination?
A: A screen-shot.
Q: Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the computer always play “Someone Like You?”
A: It was a Dell.
Q: Why did the laptop show up late to school?
A: It had a hard drive.
Q: What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor?
A: Too Siri-ous.
Q: Why was the Samsung phone’s camera blurry?
A: It had lost its contacts.
Q: Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory?
A: He wasn’t working with enough shifts.
Q: Why couldn’t the computer buy a new pair of jeans?
A: It had spent all its cache.
Q: Why do smartphones ring?
A: Because they can’t talk.
Dad Jokes About Food
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.
Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: What did the Baby corn ask Mama corn?
A: “Where’s my pop corn?”
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed get off the hill?
A: It was on a roll.
Q: What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg.
Q: Why did the onion get flustered?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Q: Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable?
A: It can’t help but get jalapéno space.
Q: Why do crabs never share their lobsters?
A: They’re shellfish.
Q: What do Japanese monsters like to eat ?
A: Raw-men
Q: What do you call a happy camper?
A Jolly Rancher.
Q: Why are mushrooms always invited to parties?
A: They’re a fungi.
Q: What do you call a fancy seafood meal?
A: So-fish-ticated.
Q: What do you call a sad strawberry?
A: A blueberry.
Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
A: He wasn’t peeling well.
Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: Where do pancakes rise?
A: In the yeast.
Q: What is a mummy’s favorite food?
A: Wraps.
Q: What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing?
A: Naval oranges.
Q: What do frogs order at restaurants?
A: French flies.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: Impasta.
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Dad Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Good
Q: How do I look?
A: With your eyes.
Q: How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A: A tractor.
Q: Why is the cemetery so popular?
A: People are just dying to get in there!
Q: What was the child who wouldn’t nap guilty of?
A: Resisting a rest!
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: To the moovies.
Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: “Nice belt.”
Q: What do you call a pile of cats?
A: A meow-tain.
Q: What do you call a flea in France?
A: A paris-ite.
Q: What runs around a baseball field but never moves?
A: A fence.
Q: Why was the calendar afraid?
A: Its days were numbered.
Q: What time did the man go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurt-y.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain?
A: It didn’t have the guts.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it.
Q: My dad told me a joke about boxing.
A: I guess I missed the punch line.
Q: What kind of car does an egg drive?
A: A yolkswagen.
Dad Jokes About Movies and Pop Culture
Q: How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
A: You follow the fresh prints.
Q: How do celebrities stay cool?
A: They have many fans.
Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale.
Q: What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Voldemort’s Instagram accounts?
A: Voldemort has followers, Harry Potter, friends.
Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password?
A: 1forest1.
Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A: He’s fully recovered.
Q: Why did the coach go to the bank?
A: To get his quarter back.
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
A: Fo’ drizzle.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: “Pick a cod, any cod.”
Q: What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted?
A: Nothing, because he was already stuffed.
Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she’d just let it go.
Q: How does Reese eat cereal?
A: Witherspoon.
Q: What do you get when you light 16 candles under a romantic comedy lead actor?
A: John Bar-be-Cusak.
Q: What do you call a nearsighted cowboy?
A: Squint Eastwood.
Q: Why did the Jedi cross the road?
A: To get to the dark side.
Q: What do you call a freshly fallen tree?
A: Die Hard.
Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It’s rated “Arrrrrrr.”
Q: Which bear is the most condescending?
A: A pan-duh!
Q: What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
A: Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
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