The Most Edible Protagonists In Games

Video games have featured a number of notable protagonists. Some of them are ultra-tough, gritty badasses. Others are fast-talking, wisecracking jokesters. And then there is a whole buffet of heroes who, we have to say, look like they may just be a little on the delicious side.
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A few house rules before we get started, having a delicious-sounding name does not make someone a candidate. So, Dr. Eggman is safe. We’re really going to try to avoid cannibalism here. We’re also looking for protagonists specifically, which means they need to be the lead in at least one game. But worry not, there are plenty of oddly delicious characters on offer here.

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10 The Ninjabread Man

The Ninjabread Man may be a formidable combatant, but at the end of the day, he is just a glorified cookie. This is an easy one, as we are pretty sure that no one is going to feel any guilt for chowing down on the Ninjabread Man.
Those of us who paid full price for Ninjabread Man’s game may even get a little joy out of the experience. We just hope that he tastes better than his game plays.

9 Magikarp

There is a frequent refrain when it comes to the existence of Magikarp. “It is so useless!” they say. “This Pokemon isn’t able to do anything in combat” they cry. A giant flapping fish. We wonder what purpose that Pokemon could possibly serve. Well, given the size of it, we think it could serve a family of four.
While it seems like a stretch to refer to Magikarp as a “protagonist”, you could run a team composed solely of Magikarp, so we’re going to count it. Also, we’re sushi fans here at TheGamer, so Magikarp’s fate was sealed from the get-go.

8 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Did you know that there were multiple attempts made by Darwin to bring the giant sea turtle back to America for study? It is true! There was just one giant snag… the turtles were too damn delicious, and they couldn’t stop eating them. We aren’t making this up. It is a documented historical fact.
Related: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Cowabunga Collection – Every Game Ranked
Well, we know one man who was a history buff: The Shredder. Finally, we have all the necessary context to understand the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! If we remember right, the only thing the Shredder wanted was a big bowl of turtle soup. We’re pretty sure that was his only motivation. And you know what? We wouldn’t mind joining him for dinner. There are FOUR of them, Shredder. They are all human-sized. You can share!

7 Dizzy

Cracking on, we have an eggcellent addition in the form of Dizzy. For those unfamiliar, Dizzy is a protagonist who is just an egg. A giant, delicious egg. The Dizzy franchise features some absolutely classic puzzle games.
The Dizzy games had platforming; the dizzy games had puzzle solving. They were quite versatile. Much like the egg itself, which can be used to make dozens of delicious dishes. How do you like to start your morning? Because one of the best ways is with two Dizzys, over easy, and a big glass of orange juice.

6 I Am Bread

Has there ever been a bigger gimme in the history of mankind? For those of you unaware, I Am Bread is the game where you play as–and this next bit may catch you off guard–a piece of bread. The goal here is to toast yourself while not coming into contact with anything too icky (which is a bit of a challenge, as locomotion does not come naturally to sentient bread).
Not only is the protagonist of this game a piece of bread, but they are actively concerned with trying to be edible. This is what they want! It is a guilt-free opportunity to have some I Am Toast alongside your hard boiled Dizzy.

5 Toad

Toad has been a mainstay of the Mario series for decades now. The first playable Toad was in Mario 2, and now we have the excellent Captain Toad games. That’s all well and good, but we need to tackle the elephant in the room. Toad is a mushroom.
Quick question… what sautees better than mushrooms? Are you stumped? That’s because it wasn’t a quick question, it was a trick question. Nothing sautees better than mushrooms! Even in a world filled with mushroom people, what do people primarily consume? You already know the answer to that question.

4 Chocobo

We feel bad about this one. We almost swapped the Chocobo out for the Untitled Goose (though we feared if we did it may come for us while we slept). When it comes to this delightful Final Fantasy mascot, everyone is a fan. So much so that the Chocobo has even headlined multiple spin-off games.
But look, we need to come to terms with the fact that the Chocobo we all know and love… that’s a big, yellow chicken. And you are lying to yourself if you think that it wouldn’t be absolutely delicious. We are talking about a drumstick that could feed a whole family! We aren’t saying it wouldn’t be traumatic eating our favorite bird companion, but we bet you’d go back for seconds.

3 Tofu

It’s everyone’s favorite badass survivor from Resident Evil 2’s Survivor mode: Tofu! Yes, Tofu is, well, a giant block of sentient Tofu. As you take damage in Resident Evil 2 Remake, we get to see chunks of Tofu removed and there really is nothing else going on under the surface. The only inedible part would be the hat.
Related: Resident Evil: The Most Ridiculous Moments From The Series
Resident Evil 2 Remake also gives us different variations of Tofu, including Mochi and Flan, so there is a whole variety of flavors to consume. The only thing that may give us pause is that Tofu (and their brethren) always start off in the sewer… Ten-second rule?

2 Octodad

Look, Octodad is just doing his best to be the best father he can be. We all empathize with his tremendous struggles to adapt in an alien environment. Honestly, he is an inspiration to us all!
However, as inspirational as he may be, he is also unquestionably an octopus, and they grill up mighty nicely. Sorry Octodad, but at least you know that your kids won’t go hungry.

1 Kirby

We’re all going to have to face the facts here. Kirby is just one big marshmallow. You can’t tell us that Kirby isn’t a soft, chewy, sweet, delicious marshmallow. However, while some edible protagonists are pretty potent warriors in their own right, Kirby has shown himself to be particularly powerful. Then there is the matter of how Kirby “defeats” his enemies.
Kirby’s whole shtick is that he consumes other creatures to steal their powers. Which makes him the marshmallow who consumes.The horror. “Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy, if Kirby ever got the chance he would eat you and everyone you ever cared about.”
Next: Final Fantasy Monsters And What They Probably Taste Like


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