Wake up catch: these misogynists who claim to be feminists to seduce women

Some men have understood that flirting, a feminist will be very beneficial to them. They show a progressive facade, to lure women into their nets, which are sometimes difficult to penetrate.


8 March: On International Women’s Rights Day, dating app Ok Cupid sends out a notification to its male users.

Profiles of men who call themselves feminists are more likely to be admired!“Some people didn’t expect this kind of encouragement. On apps or in real life, Showing off your feminism has become a popular flirting argument By these gentlemen of the post-me too. Annelies, Sandrine, Alex* and Elise leave themselves open to temptation. They dated men who said they cared about gender equality. Then they fainted. The disintegration, the lack of sharing of housework, the misogyny, the assaults… they were no better than the others.

In August 2020, an American journalist invented a word to describe this phenomenon: “fishing”. From the term “wake up” which can be translated into French as progressive and “fish”, as hameçonnage. For some menreal style of approach. And he mentioned the “Art of Seduction” website, which provides advice for men to flirt, even dedicating an article to her:Wokefishing: This is a stupid idea to sleep with feminists. ”

But for sociologist Melanie Gourrier, author of a book on male courtship, there are no fake feminists on the one hand who devised seduction techniques to catch women and on the other hand true feminists with pure intentions. Between the two, there is a whole host of behaviors that can meet the term “wokefishing.” “Many men consider themselves intimately feminist, progressive and use this to seduce women, more or less consciously.”

Disappointment increases when the man in question turns out to be poor. Sometimes the consequences are dire. Fortunately, there are signs that do not deceive. Here is a small guide to avoid biting the bait.

who calls himself a feminist

“Some feel the need to shout it from the rooftops, it’s fishy,” Annelies laughs. For this resident of Lille, as for many activists, the self-described feminist is at best misguided, and at worst dishonest. “A man cannot fully understand sexism, because he is not subject to it,” the Thirty-Three specifies.

Quebec sociologist Francis Dubuis Derry listed the reasons why a man might join the feminist movement, in his article Pro-feminist men: buddies or fake friends?. According to him, those who display it publicly know that they can benefit from it, in particular the “easy accessibility of feminist bodies”.

With time and experience, Sandrine, a computer engineer, has learned that Distinguishing between profiteers and misguided men. “I try to make it clear that I prefer the term ‘ally’ to men. If they get upset and angry, that’s a bad signIt is clear that it is better to embody feminist values ​​than to display them as a banner to attract women.

Who uses sex positive movement

On Twitter, women are spreading the word among themselves to warn each other. Someone asks “What is #MMM in dating apps?” Another replies: “That means ‘I’m a doggy guy pretending to be a feminist to pick up chicks’.” Launched by Instagram account Orgasm and I#MMM originally referred to “Mixed Brilliant Minds,” “a beautiful mix of wonderful souls,” notes Charlene, the account’s creator. It calls for “connecting with the values ​​of respect, acceptance, benevolence, and deconstruction,” she explains. Over the past few months, this hashtag has been thriving in profiles on dating apps. But it often hides people who, above all, seek to “Quickly consume sex without transparency or respect for others‘, continues Charline. Far from the initial values ​​of #MMM, therefore.

Who uses women to buy a picture

Elise, a 38-year-old Paris publisher, has found that many of her ex-girlfriends, including the most recent, are now in a relationship with feminists. You attracted his progressive rhetoric, his rhetoric Attitude away from classic masculinity. “One morning, I wasn’t fully awake, he hit me. I wasn’t against sex but it wasn’t good and it wasn’t nice. I told him, he was upset. He answered me: Why didn’t you tell me no, I could rape you.” Then Elise is reprimanded for not clearly indicating her disapproval, which she did not have time to express.

Today, this man is in a relationship with a feminist activist, who is 11 years younger than him. For Elise, it thus benefits from the “immune wand”. “In his mind and the mind of those around him, he cannot be the owner of violence against women, because he is with a feminist.” Anything she says against him will be invalidated with the tacit consent of her current partner. “It drives me crazy to see these guys walking around with the label ‘good guy,’ when we know who they really are,” Elise gets angry. She often hesitates to tell the truth about these men to her current companions. But the fear of disbelief prevails. “The day they want to know, I’ll be there.”

Elise, however, is very attentive to the output of the men she meets. At least what do they say about them. “I pay attention to What do they say about their experiences during their relationship“, Elise decomposes.” My ex is crazy,” it’s an absolute ‘red flag’ for Parisians. Treating women crazy is a powerful and well-known way to silence them, and discredit them,” according to her analysis.

“I remember the man I met, advance a priori.” Funny, cultured, works in the middle of culture. A perfect profile for this 38-year-old editor. He tells her about a complicated breakup with his ex-wife, who would have called him a “narcissistic pervert.” “I don’t give credit for this rather blanket expression that has no psychological truth, she warns. But I keep saying to myself, ‘Be careful.'” Turns out his fears were justified.

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The one who makes women look like bitches

Alex was also cornered by a man who was validated and presented as a feminist by those around her. She begins to doubt his honesty during a party, when he defends his friend who touched a girl’s buttocks without her consent. “It’s a bit flirtatious, and we wouldn’t make a big fuss about it,” he says. Before drowning: “It’s okay, it was a party and then she wore a miniskirt.” The 27-year-old Parisian cut short the conversation. “It was the beginning of the relationship, I didn’t want to seem boring. I thought to myself he didn’t realize what he was saying, Alex admits. I blocked my face.” It is reinforced by the entourage of this man, who asserts that he “respects women”. In fact, His behavior is getting worse in the private sphere. “In bed, he had a slightly arrogant manner from the start. Then he decided it would be when and how he wanted to. Whether I wanted it or not, it wasn’t his problem.” Facts that can be categorized as rape, even if you don’t call it that.

Alex ends up ending the relationship. It took me a long time to get rid of the guilt. “I blame myself for not saying anything, and for not interpreting the signs, when they were there from the start,” she recalls. She promised herself to listen to herself. “We teach girls not to force themselves, to say nothing, even in situations that make us uncomfortable, to force themselves a little bit,” she teases. From now on, she is attentive to the slightest sign of discomfort and faces men who make inappropriate comments.

Elise, she chose another solution: to remain single. “At 38, it is not easy to live with her, she admits. We are so tired of the old maid stereotype that we are ready to accept anything as a couple. But today I am much happier with ‘with all the men I know.'” She does not rule out the possibility of a pleasant meeting. But she knows now The discovery of misogyny who advances masked.

*Some first names have been changed

Article published in NEON December 2021 to January 2022

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